Soulmate Inc.

[Please read in the voice of a 28-year-old American woman, heavily computer edited. You know the type.]

Life is hard, and in many ways, technology is only making it harder. Unrealistic expectations are a modern plague that can strike from any direction, and have real and lasting impacts on our physical and mental wellness.

Here at Soulmate Incorporated, our mandate is to fight a particular type of unrealistic expectation: romantic relationships. Our media is saturated with "love at first sight" and finding "the one", while representations of happy, single individuals are vanishingly rare.

This changes, today!

Our mission at Soulmate Inc: Authentic True Love, delivered directly to your lifestyle.

The primary lifestyle alteration tool utilised by Soulmate Inc is the Personal Affective Companion. Amongst our competitors in synthetic humanoid experiences, we at Soulmate Inc are a quantum leap ahead in microexpression generation, mucosal membrane simulation, and "Uncanny Valley" mitigation strategies. Our adaptive social integration procedures are based on research by world-leading psychosociologist Dr ##### #######, and have less than 8% rejection rates across all family-friend-peer bond demographics.

If that seems all too complicated, just remember: you'll love our Personal Affective Companions, and so will your friends and family!

What is even more exciting, joining our flagship program is FREE! For a limited time only, all new lifestyle participants with Soulmate Inc will have no upfront or maintenance charges. Government mandates require us to inform you that your Personal Affective Companion may record interactions for training and quality assurance purpose, may share your consumer preferences with our trusted partners, and may occasionally provide you with special offers that suit your needs as a customer.

While our competitors may provide synthetic humanoids to their clients for business or fun, at Soulmate Inc we are about Authenticity. True Love is a challenge, and we are here to accomplish it! If you sign up with Soulmate Inc today, we will begin compiling your customised ero-romantic profile to best suit your needs. Once the perfect Personal Affective Companion has been allocated to your account, our Customer Support Team will begin the process of seamlessly integrating it into your social circles. From there, the Personal Affective Companion will become a key part of your happy, fulfilling lifestyle. This process takes between 6-18 months, but we at Soulmate Inc can guarantee authentic, organic, exciting, fulfilling and truly romantic relationships with our Personal Affective Companions, or your money back!

"But wait," you might ask "won't I know that this relationship is with a synthetic humanoid? Won't that effect the authenticity of my relationship?" Well I'm glad you asked! At Soulmate Inc, we recognise that our society often treats synthetic/human relationships unfairly. We hope that in the future, all sapient and sapient-adjacent individuals will be treated equally, but until that great day comes, we have something just as good! Our partnership with world-leading psychosociologist Dr ##### ####### has resulted in breath-taking discoveries into the nature of the mind. If you make the right decision and sign up with Soulmate Inc today, you'll be qualified for our latest and greatest improvement in synthetic/human relationship compatibility. Our friendly and highly-trained Customer Support Team will use our Memory Adjustment Suite (patent pending) to modify your subjective experience of hearing this very advertisement! Wow! Isn't that incredible?

Due to the design of the Memory Adjustment Suite and varying levels of neuroplasticity in our customers, individual experience may vary considerably. While you will "remember" choosing to not sign up to Soulmate Incorporated Flagship Program, you may also remember feeling bored and disinterested at the thought of a brand new Personal Affective Companion becoming part of your life, confused and scared at the discussion of memory editing procedures, or varying levels of of disgust, shame and paranoia. This is totally normal. Alternatively, you may remember being excited or curious about the Soulmate Inc Program, but not able to find any further information or otherwise thwarted in attempting to sign-up. Each persons experience of the Memory Adjustment Suite is unique and safe, just like you! This process is guaranteed to benefit the budding, totally Authentic Romantic Relationship with your new Personal Affective Companion. Isn't this all so exciting!

Remember, here at Soulmate Inc. - actually, you won't! [laugh track]

Soulmate Inc: Authentic True Love, delivered directly to your lifestyle.

[Please read much faster, and in a monotone.]
Soulmate Incorporated does not condone the recently reported occurrences allegedly involving Dr ##### ####### or his findings, and has elected to remove his name from this and all other communiques in accordance with recommended guidelines. Soulmate Incorporated can neither confirm nor deny any knowledge of his current whereabouts, the whereabouts of his co-author Dr Veronica Fielding, or the full circumstances of the so-called "Balloon Incident". Soulmate Incorporated is not contractually obligated to answer any customer or press inquiries pending the Congressional hearing.